


The Boy Who Ate Blood And Could Solve Any Crime

by Mojanbo



Series: Ylisse Primetime Broadcasting [1]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Humor, Police
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-03-16
Packaged: 2017-12-05 11:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/722707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mojanbo/pseuds/Mojanbo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miriel has studied forensics and worked with the Ylissan police department for years upon years. Her finely honed powers of observation and the scientific method are her greatest allies. She prides herself on working by the book.<br/>Her new partner can estimate the time and cause of death by tasting blood. Miriel's not sure if she hates his status as a prodigy or if she just hates <i>him</i>.</p>
<p>(Not-so-serious modern AU.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boy Who Ate Blood And Could Solve Any Crime

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first in a series of stories set in an FE: Awakening AU that parodies crime dramas & medical dramas. My facts/info are not 100% accurate as this is mostly meant to be a silly thing, though I did research here and there when something caught my interest. If you have any critique or fact corrections, feel free to chuck them at me in a comment. I don't bite.

A cracked wooden bat at the victim's feet with blood splatter indicative of blunt trauma to the head. Skid marks in close proximity to a dry patch on the ground - that's right, it had rained yesterday. And the day before. Miriel took out a miniature moleskin notebook and ballpoint pen from their special pockets in her wide-brimmed hat. The weather report for the week was scrawled meticulously in the top-right corner of the last earmarked page. Rain, hail, a light drizzle - up until today nothing but precipitation.

"You're doing that thing again." A hand squeezed Miriel's shoulder and a smiling face appeared in the blurry blind spot in her periphiral vision. Fully visible or not, Henry never managed to be any less bothersome.

"What 'thing'?" Miriel pushed her glasses up on her face and turned slightly to get a better view of her fellow investigator. 

"That. With your glasses." Henry mimed pushing up a pair of glasses with his finger. "It's weird."

"This is the kind of behavior that everyone with corrective eyewear partakes in." Miriel pulled a pair of surgical gloves out of her pocket and snapped them on. "Maybe if you observed individuals more closely, you'd have realized this. Have you ever taken a class on offender profiling?"

Henry cackled. It was sweet and shrill, more like a little girl giggling and less like the type of villain you'd associate a "cackle" with. Everyone in the department referred to it as a "cackle." Miriel wondered if this was some sort of crowd psychology or if everyone just knew that Henry was truly insane.

"Don't kid yourself, Miriel. I'm just here 'cause of the blood. I couldn't care less about reading people." Henry crouched down in front of the alley wall and pushed a finger into the crack where the sidewalk met the brickwork. "It's fresh."

"Please hasten this part of your observations, Henry." Miriel never said anything except variations of "hurry up." Even as a forensic investigator Henry's... habits still made her stomach churn. Breaking her role as the stoic one in this duo would mar her reputation in the department for sure.

"You got it." Henry poked his finger around more and brought it to his mouth. His tongue darted out and he hummed a bit, seeminly processing the information he was given. "Hmmmmmmmm. Blunt trauma. You knew that, though. Tastes like... pine, maybe? Does that tell you anything?"

"Baseball bats aren't commonly made of pine, but pine tar is occasionally applied to the bat to improve the player's grip. We'll investigate the grip end of the bat later." Miriel adjusted her glasses with a sweaty hand. _This shouldn't affect you so much. You took this job because you found being in the presence of blood and corpses acceptable. It's this damn kid._

"Okay. Oh, by the way, the blood is fresh." Henry stood back up and put a red-stained fingertip in his mouth.

Miriel's arm shot out to the wall to steady herself. She pulled a container of disinfecting wipes out of her coat, popped open the box with unsteady fingers and offered it to Henry. He pulled one out and cleaned a bit of drying blood from around his lips. Miriel dabbed one of the cold cloths against her forehead and straightened her posture out, slowly regaining her composure. _This man is an abomination of nature._

"Clean your finger off, too," she said.

Henry scrubbed off the tip of the bloody finger. "You got the camera?," he said.

A sturdy tripod set several feet away from where the body had been reflected the orange of the setting sun. Miriel screwed a camera in to the piece at the top and deftly adjusted several settings on the touchscreen.

"The blood being fresh is unprecedented. All evidence suggests the alternative. Move." Miriel focused the camera in on a shot of the crime scene that would capture the pattern of the blood splatter, the presumed murder weapon, and the suspicious patch of dry ground - most likely from a getaway car. Henry flashed a grin worthy of the Cheshire Cat himself and walked out of the frame.

"I hope you don't think I'm lying. 'Cause I don't lie, and neither does the blood."

"You're disgusting." Miriel snapped several photos, enough to be digitally stitched together into a panorama.

"Captain Vaike doesn't say that. He says I'm good at my job," Henry said. He orbited slowly around the camera as it turned.

"Those traits are not mutually exclusive." The camera pulled gently off the tripod with Miriel guiding it. She fiddled with the strap and fitted it comfortably around her shoulder. "Let's procure several close-up shots, then report to Kellam"

Although Henry's only job was to lay down the measuring tape, a hand making a thumbs-up appeared in one of the blood splatter photos.

"Maybe it was a ghost. Ghosts like blood, right?" Henry cocked his head a bit to the side and put on his most innocent smile. "I can't say I blame them. Blood is hella cool."

Miriel took a deep breath and gritted her knuckles into the pavement. This evening had dragged on much too long.

 

***

Miriel stepped out to where a couple of sheriffs were keeping watch over the crime scene. With her shoulders held in perfect posture and a graceful swing of her arm she held the camera out to Kellam.

"Miriel, I'm over here." A soft voice emanated from the opposite side of the entryway. 

Figures. Miriel spun on her heel and presented the camera to Kellam. Henry came out of the crime scene with the unfolded tripod balanced on his head. Kellam raised an eyebrow. Henry cackled.

"Henry, Detective Kellam is questioning you," Miriel said.

Kellam cleared his throat.

"It's a hat." Henry unclipped the legs and the 'hat' extended to his waist like a bizarre metal spider. "Cool, huh?"

"Please re-clip the legs and return the "hat" to its case." Kellam gestured to one of the sheriffs, who, unsurprisingly, didn't notice. "Uhm. It looks like it's going to rain again, so it's good you got these pictures when you did."

In one deft movement, Miriel snatched the tripod from Henry's head, grabbed the case from the unassuming sheriff, and set them next to each other. "Put it back."

Henry grinned. "Of course!" He retracted and re-clipped the legs. "Are you angry?," he said.

"Yes, I do feel some irritation at being forced to remain in this location with you for hours of time that would have been better spent with other individuals," Miriel deadpanned. _Please realize what I am inferring. Please._

"Sorry! On the bright side, though, it's wing night at Pegasus Pub!" Henry handed the packed tripod to the sheriff Miriel had taken it from, waved in Kellam's general direction, and walked off towards the sidewalks.

Miriel also gestured towards where Kellam was last standing and followed Henry back to the main road. "And what makes this... "wing night" so exhilarating?"

"All the chicken wings you can eat for five bucks," Henry said. He held up an open hand. "I'm not usually around for wing night, I live too far away."

"I hope you don't assume I can't count to five," Miriel said. 

Henry shrugged. "Nah. But I don't think you've had a chicken wing before."

"They're slathered in unhealthy sauce and often contain meat from chickens who ingest dangerous amounts of chemicals. So, no, I've never eaten a chicken wing.” Miriel pulled her keys out of her pants pocket and scanned the nearby streets for the one she parked on. West Raven Street. The sign was brown and had a dent on the left side. She prided herself on never forgetting where she had parked, due to her finely-honed powers of observation.

“Well, they’re tasty, and that’s what matter,” Henry said. He stopped at the overhang for the bus stop and reached in his coat for his wallet. “The pub’s right on West Raven, if you want to come have some. My treat.”

Miriel stopped and froze in place. “I hope you realize what you’re implying,” she choked out.

“Huh?”

A bus pulled up and the doors opened. Henry dug around in his wallet, waiting for Miriel to clarify. The streetlights on the empty road flickered on, and moths started flocking around them. The bus left. Henry dismissed it with a wave of his hand.

“Mine is at ten p.m.,” he said. “And you don’t have to eat chicken wings if you think they’d taste gross.”

Under the cloud of gathering insects, Miriel stormed off onto West Raven Street, avoiding the crowd gathering outside the Pegasus Pub. 

_That craven is playing me for a fool. Thinking I drop my guard when frustrated, that my controlled personality is just a facade... thinking I know so little of how romantic advances are made to fall for something such as that. He’s insane. I am as stoic as they come, Henry. You cannot faze me._

Trying to get home that night, Miriel took a wrong turn into an alleyway, almost dropped her keys in the gutter, and circled the parking lot three times trying to find her car.


End file.
